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Monthly Archives: March 2013

Weary

Take these weary muscles, keep these fragile bones. Save your forgotten lessons, taught from moldy tomes. They weren’t enough, never good enough to alter the curve. I followed blindly, pain constant on every single nerve. If the day is warm and bright, why would you envelope me in the coldest night. My feet ache, lips parched from the trip. Constantly feeling lost and adrift, like a hollow ship. A fracture, within, close to the core it lies. The crack that began, when I saw those blank, lifeless eyes. Watched as you flew from this place, watched as the heat flew from your face. I could’ve… I should’ve… I would’ve… but I didn’t. My hands run slick from the blood, my shoes could have never escaped the flood. Baptized by crimson hurt, filthy, now covered in regretful dirt. I am kicking, thrashing, fighting this rising tide, two ships, yet I can’t pick a side. One promising all, the other taking all. Stuck between guilt, and death, fighting to change both ideals, with every single breath. Can the two not ever meet me, here, in the middle where I dwell? Why have I  been cast here, to this purgatory? Have I not, in the least, earned a spot in hell? I blink, in and out of reality, never trusting a goddamn thing I see. Heat is a stranger, light a mother fucking mystery. There lies no hope here, the dead lack the capacity. Please, omnipotent one, take these weary muscles, keep these fragile bones. Keep your goddamn lessons, thrown like biting stones.

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Posted by on March 30, 2013 in Burned.

 

Happiness is Key

So this subject has been avoided, not because I don’t want to talk about it but mainly cause I didn’t know how to go about it. I feel like the entire world has lost their way. I watched 2 important videos tonight. 1 was I watched a youtube rant about how in 1999 the King family, as in Martin Luther King Jr., started a civil trial saying that MLKJ was killed by Memphis police authorities and many other federal agencies were involved in the murder of him. A jury of 12 people found the U.S Government guilty of assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. and I can guarantee nobody hears about this. The King family only wanted 100 dollars restitution to show it was not about the money. They just wanted this info out there, and well, look at today’s society. I swear if I hear one more fucking thing about marijuana being legalized or some crock of shit about gay marriage I am gonna go ballistic. Not saying these aren’t important issues, me personally think both should be legalized, but how in the world does every news station not report this? Fucking all the news stations just talk about celebrities, and why? Well America it’s cause you are FUCKING RETARDED. Now follow the bouncing ball morons, FUCKING RETARDED. When in the world did we become a society fixated on vanity and social interactions through a wire than about what is happening in the world today. When were comedians regarded as a good place to hear the news. News is the truth about what is happening in the here and now and yet the government has everyone locked under their boot like a sadistic slave driver about to crack the whip at the american people. I feel like when we became stupid we became lost souls, we sold what was in our minds for an alternate reality where nobody is really real. Facebook is the alternate reality, it is a digital reality that people become too involved in. At what point are you at a party do you want to post a status about it? It is real life, happening…you can taste and feel and see everything and yet you would rather talk to people who aren’t physically there with you about what you are doing? When did this become ok? This should be regarded as lunacy and pathetic. Because that’s what this shit makes you feel like. You suppress and suppress and you think “Oh I don’t have to face all the bad shit in my life cause 100 people on facebook will validate anything I say and love me”. Just suppress it all. Then what? Well that dam is gonna break free and all the shit you had behind it is gonna rush through your system like a freight train. You are gonna be one moody fuck. Your body has to get used to normality. This is step one. Now the 2nd video I watched was a video of a music group, who I never really care for, they have talent but they squander it, but I listened to this one cause I know they are extremely religious and the song was titled “Where’s God?”. Now this song goes off about how when shit hits the fan God isn’t here, and how he should be here to save us. Ok look, the only reason why Religion worked back in the day was because the public was more apt to believe a giant invisible guy will help you. Science disproved it but being atheist wasn’t really the norm til about the 80s-90s? I’d like to say? So you gotta look at what happened, so technology boomed. Huge. Uhm…Parents were failing their children, might I say Columbine for example. Shit started to get crazy, medicating kids. People started realizing that there had to be more than just God. This was the beginning, for when we doubt, the happiness we feel is replaced by fear and control. As the generations went on nobody really ended the cycle, parents perpetuated the bullshit. Kids grew up off lies, were told they were never good enough. To the point where the narrow minded idea of a singular explanation such as God and Heaven and Hell seem pretty far fetched. I feel like we all feel there is more to it than just that. Religion was the jist of the story just warped by mans vision and in the end what did it do? It made you happy. Happiness is key. Happiness can overwhelm you, make anything seem better, brighter, almost as if you have a new pair of eyes. You can deal with the weight of the world with happiness and when you die I feel as if Happiness saves us. Religion made you happy. God made you happy. You eventually moved on to the better place after this world because you knew it was happy. That is why I think religion does more harm than good now. Growing up I went to church every day, my parents tenacious believers in the L.D.S religion of which made them happy. However when I went to church I never was happy. It never made me happy. It made me sick. Physically and emotionally. I felt like they were just telling you a leaf note for their own selfish reasons so they can manipulate you. I see the manipulation with everyone in that church and it seems like a depressing existence. Yet people feel the good in it. Families live forever in heaven, who wouldn’t want that? So they fight for it, even if the “Prophet”, who is man himself, says to vote “No” on a gay marriage bill they still fight for it so they can be happy. God I feel started this big crumbling rock and gave us a choice, the choice is not so much just 1 choice but a plethora of choices to go through in this life. You have the choice to be a selfish happy, a pathetic happy of narcissistic addiction of just making yourself happy no matter who’s gotta die. Those are the ones who will go to hell. Then there are those who chose a selfless happy, one of pure intent. One that is magnified by a million in your gut til you feel the warmth across your skin. The feel that someone is going to be happier because of you today. Those are the ones who will make it to the land of paradise after this life. Those are the ones who in the deep dark slumber after your heart stops beating shall feel it still coursing through their being. Those are the ones who will reconstruct and recreate to make a paradise. To make it to our makers palace and take our place beside him. For he made us to eventually end up like that, he just had to weed out the weak ones. However it is hard to be strong in a world where everything we do just breaks us down. The future is grim and the evil force dragging us down just keeps building up the ticket, there are wars coming in the future and whatever this big scary force is that has been driving our heads down in the dirt has us right where he wants us when shit hits the fan. It has us hating ourselves and has us not caring about life in general. Life with other creatures or beings or ourselves. We are all a bunch of soulless people who embraced our vanity and ended up with nothing. We want to die and the force that will bring everything to it’s knees will have no problems taking our lives and destroying our souls. I don’t want to say it is satan but it is some sort of evil at work. Something not right, whether it be a secret world order or something supernatural, it is there and it wants to see us burn everything down. I fear there is too much gas to stop it…

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2013 in Chubbz's Brain

 

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The beginning of a collapse/A hermit’s tale.

Living under a rock has certain redeeming qualities. For one you don’t know what trends are hip and you don’t really give a shit about all that is material. More focused on that which plagues every human brain. How do you find happiness? Where is the light in this God forsaken land? What, at the end of the day, keeps me alive? What is the purpose? What is the answer? Now I’m not arrogant to believe that there is just one answer but I lived the majority of my life in a disassociate state of loneliness, forever thinking that this mind has been plagued far too much. Too diseased to survive in regular life. Forever buried my being in a hole, forcing it into the darkness so that I might survive. Later I would realize that I was the sane one, the rest of the world had gone mad. Forever a hermit, heavily medicated. Been through more surgeries than Michael Jackson. Still I came out on top. It seems like a lifetime ago to think about all of this. It seems like a bad dream that just won’t go away, a blank spot in the memory where no emotion exists. I can’t believe it’s only been 3 years since I came out of my pitiful existence thus far. Pretty sure it was 3 years ago that we moved from the town of which I used to call home. Towards the end it was less of a home and more of a place of negative memories. 3 years ago, my older sister helped pull me out of the cave I had spent in since birth. She saved me from a fate worse than just the town, but she saved me from myself. Ever since I was a child I remember I was always a loner. I was lonely and never bothered to talk to people. Talking to new people seemed more of a chore than something pleasant. Later on I realized it was not a chore but a gift, however faith in that has all but diminished in my present state of mind. At the time of being a child there was a lot of turbulence and left many scars in the mind. The only light in the darkness was my older brother, the only one I even bothered to keep company with. My older brother practically raised me with truth while my parents tried to suffocate me with lies. Keep me sheltered from all the bad and all that which should be instilled in me. The only thing they instilled in me are values and a respect for everything that bears human life. I do not know the ways of the opposite sex. I do not know what lies behind a lot of curtains. I have been left alone to pull back the curtains to expose all of that which I did not learn while being a child. Playing with fire just seeing how close I can get to the flame before I get engulfed. Never really focused much on my own reflection, never really worried about it. A rag tag kid with a bad sense of style who has turned into a man of which will never have an image of self reflection. The only thing I focused on was my own head, and that made me go a little insane. So after walking out of the past with my shoulders held high my being was still a shattered wreck of a normal human being. I had survived, a child who had never seen the sun walked out of his cave as a man. What nobody told the hermit of this story is that as he was in a state of never moving the world kept spinning. Soon the town didn’t look like the town he used to walk through as a child, soon the houses that were familiar turned into wreckage to make way for something new. Nothing looked as it was. People had devolved to a state of subhumans almost. Girls were raised to always hook onto someone else. They were raised to be whores. Attach to that of which you find happiness in, however nobody ever told this new generation that they must first love that which was within. See in the history of society why has this generation been the worst generation ever? Could it be that since we were children we have been fed lies and were told that they were truth? So that when the truth comes a long we don’t know what it is? We don’t know our own lies, we only know trends. Voting is a new trend, apparently it has become all the rage since I had exited my cave. It had become a sport of rockstars, not politicians, who are fueled by big company cash to be president. Fucking pathetic. On top of all that, all the “Ladies” had died and replaced their daughters with whores. “Don’t accept who you are, why even bother when you can seek acceptance from others?” Rule number one people, self acceptance is number one priority. Once this has happened you can truly be free. Your past is simply that, nothing could change who you are from the past. It was who you WERE not who you ARE, and who you are is simply an extension of how you think, which is a reflection of your childhood. A vicious cycle of which this new generation find themselves stuck in. They cannot let go that which has happened cause it makes them think one way or another. They cannot fight this feeling they get when they try to break out, a feeling of panic almost. They just bury their heads in medication and hope it copes. But it won’t, it never heals, it only opens it worse, makes your heart more fragile til you cannot even bandage yourself. Society had inherited all the worse traits of human kind’s past. All men have no respect for life, not even respect for themselves. A state of self loathing cause nobody tells kids they have to love themselves. Just go to facebook and have a million people validate your bullshit so you can feel acceptance. It’s easier, that is why everyone is broken. That is why nobody bothers to fix themselves. Something’s gonna break, something’s gotta give way for something new. A hermit who had no idea this had been happening came out into the world expecting it to be like when he was a child. Never realizing til it was too late. I’m sorry to those who I could have helped. I apologize to all of those fate had tried to make me help. I’m sorry that you had delved deep into the abyss and now you cannot be saved. A million times I apologize. An intriguing creature, here I stand. Separate from the rest and forever alone. I shall see those of you who chose to move on, on the other side. Maybe on the other side of the mirror the creator shall reveal to you how this hermit sees. For I have lost many memories and done many ill willed deeds. I have been to the highest state of spirituality on the other side and have been in the depths of hell and I will tell you this. My eyes are too weary and my words too jaded. Nothing matters except what you will do when the Creator calls you home. Will you reject his call? Or shall you find the happiness inside of you to move on? Experience life, experience happiness, experience pain, experience hate. Nothing can harm your own salvation in this life except that which is truly evil. So what is the big deal? Love who you are and enjoy what you do, cause if you do not, you might resist the Creator’s call. Save yourself people, of this I bear my soul to you. Save yourself, don’t worry about everyone else. Worry about your own self happiness. Please, this I beg of you.
Sincerely,

A hermit who figured out society’s bullshit.

 

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2013 in Chubbz's Brain

 

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Swirling Paint

I fell, so far down, that light was a fantasy, a myth. I walked through darkness, feeling my way, hands torn and bloody from the cold stone surrounding me. I stumbled for miles, my mind, my only companion, my mind, my only enemy. Feeling the hopelessness like the weight of the world, crushing my shoulders, drowning my hope. I found there, in that moment, when the weight had finally brought my knees to the ground, I found an ideal. Something bigger than the weight, something brighter than the constant blackness, something real. I had found creatures there, in the dark. Momentary comfort was available, followed swiftly after by just more weight. A moments peace in Hell, comes with a hefty price, but more than one desperate soul, has willingly paid the price. No what I found there, amongst the black and stone, was the belief that one such creature could exist, that would lighten the weight, brighten the world, and save me from this purgatory, amongst the damned. I held this, deep in my core, it made me stronger, this thought, this hope. Long were the years. Everlasting are the scars acquired. I longed for death, and so it found everyone but me. Weakened once to the brink, I thought to end it, my hands, my hands, at the last, however, I lived for others. Beloved family, there through it all, never understanding, never really knowing, never being able to help. Love them, I did, with my whole heart, I lived for them. A tremendous debt is owed to them, on my part, for saving me, when I did not have the power to save myself. I kept walking, no matter the weight, no matter the blindness, and I walked right into you. What can I really say about that night, the night my heart began beating for the first time. I remember the light, blinding from the start, remember the warmth, radiating into my weary, cold soul. I remember the rush of heat, running to my face, remember stumbling on words, for the first time in years. I remember my smile, that bright, heated night, remember I saw things, for what felt like the first time, the darkness had fled. I remember your embrace, awakening again in me, my faith, my ideal, my Black Rose. I found that night, all my hope solidified, for you brightened the night, lightened the load. You helped me remember how to want. You helped me remember how to let go. You saved me, as surely as my family had, though you made me want to live for myself again. You made me feel alive, and so I began to love life. The darkness, however, is a cunning thing, and knows ways around the heart, and into the mind. It’s assault is relentless, never ending, and incredibly subtle in nature. All fall to the attacks, some may never admit, but all hold scars, none are whole. This is the beast, the enemy, the false friend. This momentary clarity, with permanent consequences, is a damning scar to carry upon oneself. I found you, you found me, we grew something, never foreseen. We did it out of blood, we built it from bone. We made its structure sound, through madness we did create this heaven. We swirled the colors, throughout the dark, saving this corrupted haven. I feel it in my heart, I feel it in my bones. I feel it in the cold stone, below my solid feet. Everything will be, exactly the way, it is supposed to be.
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in Burned.