Take these weary muscles, keep these fragile bones. Save your forgotten lessons, taught from moldy tomes. They weren’t enough, never good enough to alter the curve. I followed blindly, pain constant on every single nerve. If the day is warm and bright, why would you envelope me in the coldest night. My feet ache, lips parched from the trip. Constantly feeling lost and adrift, like a hollow ship. A fracture, within, close to the core it lies. The crack that began, when I saw those blank, lifeless eyes. Watched as you flew from this place, watched as the heat flew from your face. I could’ve… I should’ve… I would’ve… but I didn’t. My hands run slick from the blood, my shoes could have never escaped the flood. Baptized by crimson hurt, filthy, now covered in regretful dirt. I am kicking, thrashing, fighting this rising tide, two ships, yet I can’t pick a side. One promising all, the other taking all. Stuck between guilt, and death, fighting to change both ideals, with every single breath. Can the two not ever meet me, here, in the middle where I dwell? Why have I been cast here, to this purgatory? Have I not, in the least, earned a spot in hell? I blink, in and out of reality, never trusting a goddamn thing I see. Heat is a stranger, light a mother fucking mystery. There lies no hope here, the dead lack the capacity. Please, omnipotent one, take these weary muscles, keep these fragile bones. Keep your goddamn lessons, thrown like biting stones.
Monthly Archives: March 2013
So this subject has been avoided, not because I don’t want to talk about it but mainly cause I didn’t know how to go about it. I feel like the entire world has lost their way. I watched 2 important videos tonight. 1 was I watched a youtube rant about how in 1999 the King family, as in Martin Luther King Jr., started a civil trial saying that MLKJ was killed by Memphis police authorities and many other federal agencies were involved in the murder of him. A jury of 12 people found the U.S Government guilty of assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. and I can guarantee nobody hears about this. The King family only wanted 100 dollars restitution to show it was not about the money. They just wanted this info out there, and well, look at today’s society. I swear if I hear one more fucking thing about marijuana being legalized or some crock of shit about gay marriage I am gonna go ballistic. Not saying these aren’t important issues, me personally think both should be legalized, but how in the world does every news station not report this? Fucking all the news stations just talk about celebrities, and why? Well America it’s cause you are FUCKING RETARDED. Now follow the bouncing ball morons, FUCKING RETARDED. When in the world did we become a society fixated on vanity and social interactions through a wire than about what is happening in the world today. When were comedians regarded as a good place to hear the news. News is the truth about what is happening in the here and now and yet the government has everyone locked under their boot like a sadistic slave driver about to crack the whip at the american people. I feel like when we became stupid we became lost souls, we sold what was in our minds for an alternate reality where nobody is really real. Facebook is the alternate reality, it is a digital reality that people become too involved in. At what point are you at a party do you want to post a status about it? It is real life, happening…you can taste and feel and see everything and yet you would rather talk to people who aren’t physically there with you about what you are doing? When did this become ok? This should be regarded as lunacy and pathetic. Because that’s what this shit makes you feel like. You suppress and suppress and you think “Oh I don’t have to face all the bad shit in my life cause 100 people on facebook will validate anything I say and love me”. Just suppress it all. Then what? Well that dam is gonna break free and all the shit you had behind it is gonna rush through your system like a freight train. You are gonna be one moody fuck. Your body has to get used to normality. This is step one. Now the 2nd video I watched was a video of a music group, who I never really care for, they have talent but they squander it, but I listened to this one cause I know they are extremely religious and the song was titled “Where’s God?”. Now this song goes off about how when shit hits the fan God isn’t here, and how he should be here to save us. Ok look, the only reason why Religion worked back in the day was because the public was more apt to believe a giant invisible guy will help you. Science disproved it but being atheist wasn’t really the norm til about the 80s-90s? I’d like to say? So you gotta look at what happened, so technology boomed. Huge. Uhm…Parents were failing their children, might I say Columbine for example. Shit started to get crazy, medicating kids. People started realizing that there had to be more than just God. This was the beginning, for when we doubt, the happiness we feel is replaced by fear and control. As the generations went on nobody really ended the cycle, parents perpetuated the bullshit. Kids grew up off lies, were told they were never good enough. To the point where the narrow minded idea of a singular explanation such as God and Heaven and Hell seem pretty far fetched. I feel like we all feel there is more to it than just that. Religion was the jist of the story just warped by mans vision and in the end what did it do? It made you happy. Happiness is key. Happiness can overwhelm you, make anything seem better, brighter, almost as if you have a new pair of eyes. You can deal with the weight of the world with happiness and when you die I feel as if Happiness saves us. Religion made you happy. God made you happy. You eventually moved on to the better place after this world because you knew it was happy. That is why I think religion does more harm than good now. Growing up I went to church every day, my parents tenacious believers in the L.D.S religion of which made them happy. However when I went to church I never was happy. It never made me happy. It made me sick. Physically and emotionally. I felt like they were just telling you a leaf note for their own selfish reasons so they can manipulate you. I see the manipulation with everyone in that church and it seems like a depressing existence. Yet people feel the good in it. Families live forever in heaven, who wouldn’t want that? So they fight for it, even if the “Prophet”, who is man himself, says to vote “No” on a gay marriage bill they still fight for it so they can be happy. God I feel started this big crumbling rock and gave us a choice, the choice is not so much just 1 choice but a plethora of choices to go through in this life. You have the choice to be a selfish happy, a pathetic happy of narcissistic addiction of just making yourself happy no matter who’s gotta die. Those are the ones who will go to hell. Then there are those who chose a selfless happy, one of pure intent. One that is magnified by a million in your gut til you feel the warmth across your skin. The feel that someone is going to be happier because of you today. Those are the ones who will make it to the land of paradise after this life. Those are the ones who in the deep dark slumber after your heart stops beating shall feel it still coursing through their being. Those are the ones who will reconstruct and recreate to make a paradise. To make it to our makers palace and take our place beside him. For he made us to eventually end up like that, he just had to weed out the weak ones. However it is hard to be strong in a world where everything we do just breaks us down. The future is grim and the evil force dragging us down just keeps building up the ticket, there are wars coming in the future and whatever this big scary force is that has been driving our heads down in the dirt has us right where he wants us when shit hits the fan. It has us hating ourselves and has us not caring about life in general. Life with other creatures or beings or ourselves. We are all a bunch of soulless people who embraced our vanity and ended up with nothing. We want to die and the force that will bring everything to it’s knees will have no problems taking our lives and destroying our souls. I don’t want to say it is satan but it is some sort of evil at work. Something not right, whether it be a secret world order or something supernatural, it is there and it wants to see us burn everything down. I fear there is too much gas to stop it…
I fell, so far down, that light was a fantasy, a myth. I walked through darkness, feeling my way, hands torn and bloody from the cold stone surrounding me. I stumbled for miles, my mind, my only companion, my mind, my only enemy. Feeling the hopelessness like the weight of the world, crushing my shoulders, drowning my hope. I found there, in that moment, when the weight had finally brought my knees to the ground, I found an ideal. Something bigger than the weight, something brighter than the constant blackness, something real. I had found creatures there, in the dark. Momentary comfort was available, followed swiftly after by just more weight. A moments peace in Hell, comes with a hefty price, but more than one desperate soul, has willingly paid the price. No what I found there, amongst the black and stone, was the belief that one such creature could exist, that would lighten the weight, brighten the world, and save me from this purgatory, amongst the damned. I held this, deep in my core, it made me stronger, this thought, this hope. Long were the years. Everlasting are the scars acquired. I longed for death, and so it found everyone but me. Weakened once to the brink, I thought to end it, my hands, my hands, at the last, however, I lived for others. Beloved family, there through it all, never understanding, never really knowing, never being able to help. Love them, I did, with my whole heart, I lived for them. A tremendous debt is owed to them, on my part, for saving me, when I did not have the power to save myself. I kept walking, no matter the weight, no matter the blindness, and I walked right into you. What can I really say about that night, the night my heart began beating for the first time. I remember the light, blinding from the start, remember the warmth, radiating into my weary, cold soul. I remember the rush of heat, running to my face, remember stumbling on words, for the first time in years. I remember my smile, that bright, heated night, remember I saw things, for what felt like the first time, the darkness had fled. I remember your embrace, awakening again in me, my faith, my ideal, my Black Rose. I found that night, all my hope solidified, for you brightened the night, lightened the load. You helped me remember how to want. You helped me remember how to let go. You saved me, as surely as my family had, though you made me want to live for myself again. You made me feel alive, and so I began to love life. The darkness, however, is a cunning thing, and knows ways around the heart, and into the mind. It’s assault is relentless, never ending, and incredibly subtle in nature. All fall to the attacks, some may never admit, but all hold scars, none are whole. This is the beast, the enemy, the false friend. This momentary clarity, with permanent consequences, is a damning scar to carry upon oneself. I found you, you found me, we grew something, never foreseen. We did it out of blood, we built it from bone. We made its structure sound, through madness we did create this heaven. We swirled the colors, throughout the dark, saving this corrupted haven. I feel it in my heart, I feel it in my bones. I feel it in the cold stone, below my solid feet. Everything will be, exactly the way, it is supposed to be.