Years are stripped away as the familiar scent is drawn in through his nose and interpreted by his brain. The bright orange neon lights and the smell of a cigarette burning away somewhere in the night. He thinks of life and all the possibilities. He thinks of death in it’s absolute inevitability.
He never meant to be so dark and he knew early on enough that it wasn’t normal. His peers never felt the darkness that was there from the beginning so how could they ever understand it? So he kept it all in. Sometimes he would break and fall to his knees and cry out to God. He needed there to be a God so badly. There had to be someone who knew and understood. He couldn’t possibly be alone. He has felt the calm that faith can deliver but it always came with a side of biting guilt that wrecks like an ocean upon hurricane shores. He always had his words though, his words and precious paper. These were him as much as I and we found comfort within our own bosom.
I feel you breathing and steady my own breath to match your cadence. He turns his head to the left and looks down at her sleeping face and wonders if she’ll ever be his wholly. I feel the distance between us even though your head is cradled in my shoulder and your arm draped up and across my chest. He breaths deep and tries to suppress the shaking that’s beginning to take over his right leg. Ever since I quit drugs the fuckin thing goes crazy every goddamn night. He remembers the party and the neglect that wasn’t meant for him but rather for the rest of them. I still remember the subtle stares cast from shadows and the implications behind them, the dogs would stare at me like I had a piece of prime rib in my mouth that they really fucking wanted. His chest aches and his stomach fuckin turns, he crawls his way from the bed and steps as lightly as he can across the creacking hardwood and slips out the door and into the bathroom. I splash cold water across my face but it doesn’t do a fucking thing and my right leg is still spazzing out and I just want to be anywhere but here. He grabs his clothes and brother and leaves her in dreams. I’m drunk but wary and therefore have little concern about my capacity to drive home. He drives from her house next to God’s and feels in his heart something that he’s really known for months now. You will never be mine.