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Old Habits

               It creeps inside like a trapped between lie, flexing and brushing as it worms it’s way through. Best defense cast aside and the child is shaking outside in the dark. Tears fall from his eyes as they stare through the wheat stalks, hidden by the innocence of youth behind the negligence of dreams and naive ideas. Staring up and out into the vast unknown, wondering on what wonderful things might be hidden in the countless twinkling lights. The night deepens and the dark becomes threatening. What unknown terrors await to trap and ensnare the unsure and unstable? Shadows flit and fly as his eyes continue their watery dance, all while the stars beckon and the moon forgives.

               His smile is represented in stone. It’s a tricky thing to talk about and even harder to think, when I see his eyes open in terror and then close against the fight. I feel the curse tightening daily and wonder at the theme. Benevolent creator save me from the knowledge of the end, I’m threatened by it daily and fear it always. Like a candle lit in youth and expected to last. Like a kiss from your soul that never lasted long enough. As the wax turns to air and the soul flees from thy side, so shall your smile too one day be represented in stone.

               Life flee me fast. Leave me dazed and completely unaware. Trace me from existence as a dying star. And love me all the more once I’ve gone.

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Posted by on February 17, 2016 in Paradise Drift

 

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Reason

               And so it begins, social phobia settin’ in, and it’s like I can feel all of their eyes crawlin’ across my skin. And I know that they’re wonderin’… because they’re always wonderin’.
               I stretch the limit past the reason, peeling open my skull and searching every fuckin’ season, because I must find the source of this open pourin’ lesion. Gotta stop the bleedin’… gotta find the reason.
               A shadow cast against every happy memory, the darkness in the back over every face I see, because I know that they’re dead, just as dead as fuckin’ me. How much farther can it be… and how much more must I bleed?
               Then I found my smile cause I smoked an ounce, saw death in my dreams just waitin’ to pounce, but it was written in words I couldn’t properly pronounce, because the reaper told a secret I just couldn’t announce.
               Like dreams of stone drawn upon the sand, or a dreaming woman lost inside a man, or the stretched out palm of his sweaty hand, or like a broken prospector mining goldless land. What happened to the plan, did it die with the lamb, what happened to the plan? Please God, save this man.
              

 
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Posted by on April 1, 2015 in Paradise Drift

 

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No Matter

               Tendons and wires composed of broken inhibitions, struggle to hold the head aloft. The stomach threatens rebellion as will alone keeps the stomach spasms from inciting the riot. The pain has become as familiar as that little voice that never learned to leave. Whispers of frail mortal mockery leave a festering sting that only deepens as the coffin closes on yet another precious life. It breaks like waves upon a stubborn rock wall, patiently waiting for the stone to weaken, crack and break. Liquid flows like death across the path ahead, all the while the shores behind grow pale and dark in their passing. It’s something inescapable. It’s something that hides behind smiling eyes and molten anger. A measure of intelligence and understanding. Fade from memory much like the calloused hands behind monolithic stone. Immortality only gained as a questionable guess.

               Imagine a guess extended the length of time. Imperfections and insecurities stripped bare like meat from bone. A floating intuition left burning in the darkened sky, casting hope to weary hearts and tear burned eyes. Felt like a secondary heart beat that flees through the eyes once it’s companion falls. It’s something hidden there. Just behind the eyes. Imagine a guess extended beyond eternity.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2015 in Paradise Drift

 

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Happiness is Key

So this subject has been avoided, not because I don’t want to talk about it but mainly cause I didn’t know how to go about it. I feel like the entire world has lost their way. I watched 2 important videos tonight. 1 was I watched a youtube rant about how in 1999 the King family, as in Martin Luther King Jr., started a civil trial saying that MLKJ was killed by Memphis police authorities and many other federal agencies were involved in the murder of him. A jury of 12 people found the U.S Government guilty of assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. and I can guarantee nobody hears about this. The King family only wanted 100 dollars restitution to show it was not about the money. They just wanted this info out there, and well, look at today’s society. I swear if I hear one more fucking thing about marijuana being legalized or some crock of shit about gay marriage I am gonna go ballistic. Not saying these aren’t important issues, me personally think both should be legalized, but how in the world does every news station not report this? Fucking all the news stations just talk about celebrities, and why? Well America it’s cause you are FUCKING RETARDED. Now follow the bouncing ball morons, FUCKING RETARDED. When in the world did we become a society fixated on vanity and social interactions through a wire than about what is happening in the world today. When were comedians regarded as a good place to hear the news. News is the truth about what is happening in the here and now and yet the government has everyone locked under their boot like a sadistic slave driver about to crack the whip at the american people. I feel like when we became stupid we became lost souls, we sold what was in our minds for an alternate reality where nobody is really real. Facebook is the alternate reality, it is a digital reality that people become too involved in. At what point are you at a party do you want to post a status about it? It is real life, happening…you can taste and feel and see everything and yet you would rather talk to people who aren’t physically there with you about what you are doing? When did this become ok? This should be regarded as lunacy and pathetic. Because that’s what this shit makes you feel like. You suppress and suppress and you think “Oh I don’t have to face all the bad shit in my life cause 100 people on facebook will validate anything I say and love me”. Just suppress it all. Then what? Well that dam is gonna break free and all the shit you had behind it is gonna rush through your system like a freight train. You are gonna be one moody fuck. Your body has to get used to normality. This is step one. Now the 2nd video I watched was a video of a music group, who I never really care for, they have talent but they squander it, but I listened to this one cause I know they are extremely religious and the song was titled “Where’s God?”. Now this song goes off about how when shit hits the fan God isn’t here, and how he should be here to save us. Ok look, the only reason why Religion worked back in the day was because the public was more apt to believe a giant invisible guy will help you. Science disproved it but being atheist wasn’t really the norm til about the 80s-90s? I’d like to say? So you gotta look at what happened, so technology boomed. Huge. Uhm…Parents were failing their children, might I say Columbine for example. Shit started to get crazy, medicating kids. People started realizing that there had to be more than just God. This was the beginning, for when we doubt, the happiness we feel is replaced by fear and control. As the generations went on nobody really ended the cycle, parents perpetuated the bullshit. Kids grew up off lies, were told they were never good enough. To the point where the narrow minded idea of a singular explanation such as God and Heaven and Hell seem pretty far fetched. I feel like we all feel there is more to it than just that. Religion was the jist of the story just warped by mans vision and in the end what did it do? It made you happy. Happiness is key. Happiness can overwhelm you, make anything seem better, brighter, almost as if you have a new pair of eyes. You can deal with the weight of the world with happiness and when you die I feel as if Happiness saves us. Religion made you happy. God made you happy. You eventually moved on to the better place after this world because you knew it was happy. That is why I think religion does more harm than good now. Growing up I went to church every day, my parents tenacious believers in the L.D.S religion of which made them happy. However when I went to church I never was happy. It never made me happy. It made me sick. Physically and emotionally. I felt like they were just telling you a leaf note for their own selfish reasons so they can manipulate you. I see the manipulation with everyone in that church and it seems like a depressing existence. Yet people feel the good in it. Families live forever in heaven, who wouldn’t want that? So they fight for it, even if the “Prophet”, who is man himself, says to vote “No” on a gay marriage bill they still fight for it so they can be happy. God I feel started this big crumbling rock and gave us a choice, the choice is not so much just 1 choice but a plethora of choices to go through in this life. You have the choice to be a selfish happy, a pathetic happy of narcissistic addiction of just making yourself happy no matter who’s gotta die. Those are the ones who will go to hell. Then there are those who chose a selfless happy, one of pure intent. One that is magnified by a million in your gut til you feel the warmth across your skin. The feel that someone is going to be happier because of you today. Those are the ones who will make it to the land of paradise after this life. Those are the ones who in the deep dark slumber after your heart stops beating shall feel it still coursing through their being. Those are the ones who will reconstruct and recreate to make a paradise. To make it to our makers palace and take our place beside him. For he made us to eventually end up like that, he just had to weed out the weak ones. However it is hard to be strong in a world where everything we do just breaks us down. The future is grim and the evil force dragging us down just keeps building up the ticket, there are wars coming in the future and whatever this big scary force is that has been driving our heads down in the dirt has us right where he wants us when shit hits the fan. It has us hating ourselves and has us not caring about life in general. Life with other creatures or beings or ourselves. We are all a bunch of soulless people who embraced our vanity and ended up with nothing. We want to die and the force that will bring everything to it’s knees will have no problems taking our lives and destroying our souls. I don’t want to say it is satan but it is some sort of evil at work. Something not right, whether it be a secret world order or something supernatural, it is there and it wants to see us burn everything down. I fear there is too much gas to stop it…

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2013 in Chubbz's Brain

 

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Good Medicine

psychedelic_marijuana_artTell me the story again,
the one about God.
Tell me he loves me,
that he truly cares.
Tell me he gave me life,
gave me form.
Tell me he gave me food,
water to live.
Fruit to vine,
fruit from root.
Tell me again,
how he gave me earth,
ground to stand upon.
Tell me he knows me,
knows me intimate.
Seeing me more clearly,
then I could ever hope to see myself.
Then explain,
I beg.
Explain how you can dictate,
what I take from this gift.
What tools I use,
that he gave me,
to survive.
Tell me again,
of how you know his will.
Tell me again how yours,
is the only truth to be had.
Guide me,
lie to me,
keep me safe from myself.
You have decided what your God is,
I have learned of mine.
Can you not just find happiness,
happiness that I at least know God.
Feel the energy of this creator,
falling carelessly into the web he cast.
Getting stuck,
shaking it off and rolling deeper.
I am finding the center,
trickling ever closer.
Let me be,
you find the center your way,
leave me to mine.
We will only ever always,
meet in the middle.
‘Jake Sellers ’12

 
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Posted by on January 24, 2013 in Poems

 

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River Dreams Pt.2

It is human nature…
to question our nature.
It is human emotion…
that has destroyed all emotion.
It therefore absolutely must be stated…
that our ability to think,
is what shall destroy us.
Or rather perhaps…
our ability to hate…
to murder…
to take…
take,
and fucking take…
that shall destroy us.
We collect trophies of the lost,
keeping them proudly displayed,
upon each of our sleeves.
What is it that drives us…
drives us to war?
What is it that takes us…
takes us to war?
Looking inward…
then outward…
then up…
then down…
finding little more than more questions.
For every question answered…
is but another found.
They keep piling,
and all the while the war machines,
they keep firing.
We are drowning in them,
answering and finding,
questions…
so very many questions.
More need to turn inward.
Remove the physical,
remove borders,
remove nations,
remove God,
remove yourself…
and see the river.
Watch it flow eternal…
watch it…
dance.
Feel the pain…
feel the loss…
but know love…
know happiness…
know yourself.
Find the center…
expand it…
till yours and mine…
collide.
Let us grow outward…
together…
please…
let us end this…
war…
together.
Jake Sellers 12
 
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Posted by on November 20, 2012 in Poems

 

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On the subject of God fearing folk

I sit here, a tiny blip on a map of millions of different things including brains. The human brain is amazing, the fact that we are all connected on some level and yet completely different. For example I am me and you are you but we can connect and relate in a way so close it’s scary. I write this hoping some poor hapless bastard finds it and questions everything. Questions are the cure, fear is the enemy. I grew up in a small town in the middle of Nowhere, Utah. The religious oppression in this state is immense and I know that in some places it is the same. Yet this is the place I know for I was born here. I grew up in the L.D.S church and since I was a kid I was told that fear is the work of Satan trying to keep us locked down. My brain slowly started questioning and in the end I only found all the religious people living in fear. A fear of not being able to “unlock the secrets to everything” or some bullshit like that. A fear of not being able to live with their creator and family. A fear that excludes them from being them. The carbon copy personality types in this state is astounding. Looks like someone just dropped off a bunch of robots off the mission train. Two years of not being able to do anything but preach a gospel and convert people, of course you would come back the same would you not? Seeing how people raise their kids in this state, seeing how fucked up it all is, it’s terrible. The girls you know who go to Hollywood to make it big and instead get hooked on drugs and become hookers? That’s girls who were raised like they were in Utah. Sheltered, not knowing a thing, unable to comprehend why people do horrible things. Sorry but parents need to teach their kids what is going on and not only that but everyone needs to quit lying to kids. I mean sure shelter them when they are innocent but when they grow up and start thinking for themselves give them the knowledge of the world and life. The only knowledge given to me was God loves us all, follow him and live forever in happiness with you’re family. I didn’t know life would go down this way. I never saw the tide pull back as it rushed to suck me in. Movies, music, parents, teachers, everyone of them all lie. They don’t tell you that life is gonna suck, that when someone you love dies it’s gonna be like shoving a rail road nail through your chest and walking around. They never tell you that sometimes, and only sometimes, love fails. They also never tell you that when love wins it’s the most amazing miracle in the world. They also don’t tell you that you are the miracle needed. They never tell you that this life is amazing as well as hurtful. They never tell the teenage kids going through depression that life is 80 years of doing anything and that this depression is here for a reason but it will go away. Everyone just buries their heads and lets the kids raise themselves. Kids who don’t know anything else will always fall back on the religion, always. They fall back because that’s all they were taught to know. To leave everything you know is to start life brand new and that’s too hard and too terrifying. They would much rather live in the same place they grew up without living in a different state or country or anywhere, go on a mission and start a family. What nobody tells these parents though is how can the broken raise anything that isn’t broken? Broken people raising broken kids.  It’s a vicious cycle that never ends. I am one of those guys people glare at for buying beer in a store. For cursing in public. For wearing shirts that don’t have Jesus throwing you a thumbs up. In my eyes I have never done anything deserving of such treatment or anything worth going to hell over yet I feel millions of eyes glare at me like I’m scum. I have said it once and I’ll say it again. God is a crutch. God, if there is an omnipotent creator who made everything including me didn’t stick around. No I’m not being pessimistic it’s truth. Think of you’re brain and all the options laid out before you past, present and future. Of all the left turns you could have taken and you would be a completely different person. Imagine that but on a scale so massive cause that’s every single person in this world past, present and future. You can’t blame God for raping kids. You can’t blame God for killing someone. You can’t blame God for wars. You can’t. If there is a creator, this is what he is. He made us, he started the wheels of time turning, he loves us. He can’t interfere, he can’t help. He watches us and this I truly believe. I choose to believe this and yet we could even go further out there and say what is a God? Is it a person? Is it part of our own brain? Is it a duck billed platypus? Who the fuck knows? All I know is God didn’t drink and drive that night. He didn’t touch that kid. He didn’t put that knife to their throat. He didn’t put the gun to their head. He didn’t say “Believe in me or die”. That was us. Made with the perfect balance of destruction and creation and yet everyone goes the destructive path. Why? Is it the parents? Is it them? What makes people do these things? Furthermore what makes the victims blame a God? The answer is they don’t know how to deal with their emotions, they don’t know how to accept the fact that shit just happens. Sometimes there is an answer for what happens but in the end it’s all just here say. God fearing folk are the ones who use him as a crutch. They give him way too much credit and yet they blame him for so much more. I guess what I’m trying to say, my fellow broken soul, my brother/sister reading this. If you are in that spot where you think there is a hell and you are going there question again. If you are in that spot where you just feel a complete lack of happiness and the negativity has taken hold of you. Suicidal thoughts. Crying. Screaming for help from some distant plane of existence. I’ve been there. Help isn’t on the way but I’ll give you one better. Everything we need to survive and find happiness is inside each and every one of us. It’s that part of the brain that connects with friends to the point that they are now you’re family. Follow that part, follow your mind and find out about yourself. Don’t shy away from who you are cause at the end of the day that is all you really have. Even if you find someone you love you could never have their mind and brain the same way you have your own. Keep surviving. Never let go and above all else don’t rely on anyone else to make you happy. Find yourself.

 

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